This season I have started training in Inside Pack and Jam
Referee positions. I need to get out of my comfort zone, i.e. Outside Pack Ref.
I have been doing ok with IPR, I’m still having spatial
challenges; judging 10-ft vs 20-ft and remembering which is Out of Play vs what
constitutes no Pack… and actually issuing the appropriate penalties when these
things occur (something that’s carrying over to Outside Pack, but I’ll get to
that later).
Some practices are definitely better than others, I’m not
completely ashamed and ready to put my head through a wall; but I am often
frustrated because I’m recognizing my limitations and failings but not grokking
how to overcome them. I don’t know how
to fix the issues, I don’t know how to exercise my “Perception of Pack
Definition” beyond just doing it at scrimmage.
Case(s) in point:
O> Fencing – when learning to fence, and “fine-tuning”
technique… there are many things to work on and practice. There are parry
drills, range & lunging drills, slow-motion combinations, footwork, and
more.
O> Tai chi – open hand or sword (or any weapon form… and any
martial art, really). There are specific Forms and sets; defined postures and
angles and strikes and combinations to practice and repeat and fine-tune.
O> Vocal Performance – learning the notes and the tempo,
learning intonation and pronunciation, where to take a breath, where to sustain
a note… when to be loud, when to be soft, how to convey the emotion of the
piece or the moment in the piece, how to “tell the story” the music
The key element to these things is that there are things I can
do on my own to practice and fine-tune… I can do the Yang 24 Form in my living
room and repeat a section over and over. I can suspend a tennis ball on a
string from my ceiling and lunge at it with my rapier repeatedly to work on
accuracy and calibration. I can listen to recordings and practice tapes and
pluck out notes on a keyboard or read through lyrics out loud to memorize a
piece and fine-tune.
I don’t know how to do these things on my own for
Refereeing. I don’t know what I can do at home to teach my eyes and brain to
recognize The Pack and when there is No Pack and when someone is Out of Play.
The only time and means by which to work and drill and practice at this is at
Referee Practice, or in Scrimmage. And Practice or Scrimmage time isn’t my
time, it isn’t about me and my needs and my learning style… it’s about all of
the referees; or the referees and the teams skating and the NSOs learning their
duties.
I try watching bout video and highlight reels and the like;
but it isn’t the same. The Perspective isn’t the same, I’m sitting still in
front of my computer instead of trying to keep up with a pack of skaters and
dodge other refs and NSOs (and skaters).
I’m frustrated because I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t
know how to get better. What we accomplish at practice and scrimmage is good;
but it isn’t enough for me, and that’s
on me… it’s my mental block that I
need to overcome but I don’t know how.
The big thing here? Needing to fix the problem
behind closed doors, without an audience, without judging eyes, without
the [irrational] fear of mockery and disdain. I want to "fuck up" on my
own and learn how to fix it; then go back out in public and do it
right... but you can't really do that with Derby. And yes, I know, it's
all in my head and people aren't laughing and mocking and judging me as a
shit referee-- but it's how I feel and what I fear nonetheless.
And this brings me to Jam Refereeing. I don’t like Jam
Reffing. I don’t like it. At all. I do not enjoy it. At all. I recognize that I
need to learn how to do it; I need to at least become proficient in it if I
expect to go anywhere or be anything in the Realm of Zebra… if I ever hope to achieve
my Certifications and skate with the Big Zeebs.
I am stuck in a vicious circle of my own making. I have a
severe mental block in regard to Jam Reffing… I don’t like it, and because I don’t
like it whenever I take the line I am fighting myself… and getting frustrated when I make mistakes and miss things
and screw up scoring or call a low block major on someone who tripped her own
jammer. And these frustrations make me not like Jam Reffing. Wash. Rinse.
Repeat. I don’t like Jam Reffing, and I bring that dislike to the line and it
influences my ability learn how to do the job. So how do I learn to like Jam Reffing??
Or at least appreciate it enough to let me learn how to do my job?
The worst part is, much of this frustration is carrying over into Outside Pack Reffing... and now I'm second-guessing myself or missing things because I'm too busy mulling over something else that I did wrong or feeling overall less effective than I thought I was. Even in my comfort zone I'm feeling less confident... the only things I still seem to have going for me is (for the most part) being able to keep up with the pack and yelling loud enough for people on the inside to hear me. Beyond that, I almost feel like I'm going backwards and devolving as a Ref.
Yes, I am unreasonably hard on myself. I recognize this. It is
my nature and I’m just too old and set in my ways to go changing that now. The
problem is, generally if I’m extremely frustrated with myself because I can’t
get something right… I go and fix it… I practice and drill and repeat and
repeat and eventually I fix the problem; but now I don’t know how to fix it and
it frustrates me to tears. I fear the
much needed epiphany is a bit out of reach this time… and it makes me a sad little Zebra, indeed.
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