I Am My Own Worst Brick Wall

Last month the postings from the Philly Roller Girls started popping up around Valentine's Day that ECDX 2012 registration was LIVE, and to get on it!

I reposted it on Facebook, like a good little FB Junkie...

...and all of a sudden it's a month later and I'm only just getting around to submitting my application, 2 days before the "general cut off." Apparently starting on 3/29 they're only accepting applications for people participating in the Officiating Clinic the Thurs/Fri before ECDX.

Yeah... not too optimistic that I'll get selected... especially to referee. Don't get me wrong, I'll be happy to NSO for ECDX as well, no doubt! I just let life and work and emotional roller coasters distract me; and if not for a reminder on the Wardens' list yesterday I would have completely let it pass me by. :(

 I finished updating my Referee Resume (as much as I could, anyway... I swear I wanted to be better about keeping track). That I know/have/recall... I've got about 20 bouts under my belt... 19 of them OPR, 1 IPR;  6 of them Sanctioned, 5 regulation... and 1 tournament (I need to go back through and clean up that list, I'm sure some of that is wrong). Somehow I'm guessing that won't be enough for an ECDX-nod... but maybe my NSO experience will still get me a golden ticket... and maybe I won't be black-listed for having had to bail last summer on account of being sans gainful employment.

My thing is... I can't afford to just gallivant down to Feasterville, PA just because. The Officiating Clinic is Thurs & Fri, I can't afford to just "hang around" and "spectate," which would hurt and crush a lot... and make for not-so-much carpooling and maybe group-rated rooms and stuff... logistically a PITA.

I guess I'll just keep an eye on the inbox for the next week or so. I won't be able to register for the clinic anyway until NYS takes their yearly arm & leg... so that will pretty much define what goes on at the end of June for me.

Pardon my preemptive sulking.

Wherein Instant Gratification Girl Whines Because She Doesn’t Get Something Right Away

This season I have started training in Inside Pack and Jam Referee positions. I need to get out of my comfort zone, i.e. Outside Pack Ref.

I have been doing ok with IPR, I’m still having spatial challenges; judging 10-ft vs 20-ft and remembering which is Out of Play vs what constitutes no Pack… and actually issuing the appropriate penalties when these things occur (something that’s carrying over to Outside Pack, but I’ll get to that later).

Some practices are definitely better than others, I’m not completely ashamed and ready to put my head through a wall; but I am often frustrated because I’m recognizing my limitations and failings but not grokking how to overcome them.  I don’t know how to fix the issues, I don’t know how to exercise my “Perception of Pack Definition” beyond just doing it at scrimmage.

Case(s) in point:

O> Fencing – when learning to fence, and “fine-tuning” technique… there are many things to work on and practice. There are parry drills, range & lunging drills, slow-motion combinations, footwork, and more.

O> Tai chi – open hand or sword (or any weapon form… and any martial art, really). There are specific Forms and sets; defined postures and angles and strikes and combinations to practice and repeat and fine-tune.

O> Vocal Performance – learning the notes and the tempo, learning intonation and pronunciation, where to take a breath, where to sustain a note… when to be loud, when to be soft, how to convey the emotion of the piece or the moment in the piece, how to “tell the story” the music

The key element to these things is that there are things I can do on my own to practice and fine-tune… I can do the Yang 24 Form in my living room and repeat a section over and over. I can suspend a tennis ball on a string from my ceiling and lunge at it with my rapier repeatedly to work on accuracy and calibration. I can listen to recordings and practice tapes and pluck out notes on a keyboard or read through lyrics out loud to memorize a piece and fine-tune.

I don’t know how to do these things on my own for Refereeing. I don’t know what I can do at home to teach my eyes and brain to recognize The Pack and when there is No Pack and when someone is Out of Play. The only time and means by which to work and drill and practice at this is at Referee Practice, or in Scrimmage. And Practice or Scrimmage time isn’t my time, it isn’t about me and my needs and my learning style… it’s about all of the referees; or the referees and the teams skating and the NSOs learning their duties. 

I try watching bout video and highlight reels and the like; but it isn’t the same. The Perspective isn’t the same, I’m sitting still in front of my computer instead of trying to keep up with a pack of skaters and dodge other refs and NSOs (and skaters).

I’m frustrated because I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to get better. What we accomplish at practice and scrimmage is good; but it isn’t enough for me, and that’s on me… it’s my mental block that I need to overcome but I don’t know how.

The big thing here? Needing to fix the problem behind closed doors, without an audience, without judging eyes, without the [irrational] fear of mockery and disdain. I want to "fuck up" on my own and learn how to fix it; then go back out in public and do it right... but you can't really do that with Derby. And yes, I know, it's all in my head and people aren't laughing and mocking and judging me as a shit referee--  but it's how I feel and what I fear nonetheless.

 

And this brings me to Jam Refereeing. I don’t like Jam Reffing. I don’t like it. At all. I do not enjoy it. At all. I recognize that I need to learn how to do it; I need to at least become proficient in it if I expect to go anywhere or be anything in the Realm of Zebra… if I ever hope to achieve my Certifications and skate with the Big Zeebs.

I am stuck in a vicious circle of my own making. I have a severe mental block in regard to Jam Reffing… I don’t like it, and because I don’t like it whenever I take the line I am fighting myself… and getting frustrated when I make mistakes and miss things and screw up scoring or call a low block major on someone who tripped her own jammer. And these frustrations make me not like Jam Reffing. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. I don’t like Jam Reffing, and I bring that dislike to the line and it influences my ability learn how to do the job. So how do I learn to like Jam Reffing?? Or at least appreciate it enough to let me learn how to do my job?

The worst part is, much of this frustration is carrying over into Outside Pack Reffing... and now I'm second-guessing myself or missing things because I'm too busy mulling over something else that I did wrong or feeling overall less effective than I thought I was. Even in my comfort zone I'm feeling less confident... the only things I still seem to have going for me is (for the most part) being able to keep up with the pack and yelling loud enough for people on the inside to hear me. Beyond that, I almost feel like I'm going backwards and devolving as a Ref. 

Yes, I am unreasonably hard on myself. I recognize this. It is my nature and I’m just too old and set in my ways to go changing that now. The problem is, generally if I’m extremely frustrated with myself because I can’t get something right… I go and fix it… I practice and drill and repeat and repeat and eventually I fix the problem; but now I don’t know how to fix it and it frustrates me to tears.  I fear the much needed epiphany is a bit out of reach this time… and it makes me a sad little Zebra, indeed.

[show my poor little blog some lovin'. Leave a comment, even if it's to just say hi :)]

Skating into 2012

Today I'm actually gearing up for my 3rd bout of 2012... which is technically RCRD's "Extended Travel Season."

Now that we're a WFTDA (Women's Flat Track Derby Association)  league, we needed to come up with a way to adjust our schedule to match the WFTDA ranking schedule.

Other WFTDA leagues are playing for rankings and fighting for the invitation to Regional Tournament play; and then usually have a "Home Season" in the Fall (provided they aren't tourneying). Our schedule was "backwards," so we had to find a way to bring it in line with WFTDA play... so we extend the travel season through the summer, and start the home season in late summer/early fall.

Anyway, so we've had three bouts thus far... one away (Ottawa, Roc Stars vs Rideau Valley), one at home (double header... B-Sides vs Worcester Roller Derby and Roc Stars vs Tri-City Thunder), and this past weekend the Roc Stars traveled to Toronto to take on CN Power (I didn't skate that bout).

It is the opinion of many that I have proven myself to be a proficient Outside Pack Referee. Which means I need to start working on other positions... especially if I'm going to try and skate at East Coast Derby Extravaganza (ECDX) in June. I actually really like skating OPR, I will happily learn Inside Pack but I really do not want to be a Jam Referee. Eventually I will need to, I recognize this... but doesn't mean I have to like it. ~pout~

Anyway, we have a heavy schedule for the next few months, and I will definitely get my share of skate time. This weekend we're traveling to Long Island for a Double Header (B-Sides & Roc Stars vs LIRR). There's a little bit of pressure, to be sure... we (the refs) will be skating alongside refs from Gotham. I'm not concerned tho, at least... not yet ;) I shared the Outside with Trickster at Empire Skate Showdown, and we had a grand old time (especially because he kept threatening to steal my DERBY socks). In two weeks RCRD's returning to RIT's Gordon Field House to take on the Ithaca SufferJets... and then that next morning (Sunday AM) our Quarriors (Roc Quarry - skaters in training or who haven't been rostered to a team yet) will be scrimmaging against Ithaca's Bluestockings. 

I suppose I should come up with more Deep Thoughts On Being a Referee and such, but my mind just isn't very focused right now... too many non-Derby life issues are bombarding me at once and I'm not really dealing as effectively as I normally do. So, I'll just leave you with this awesome photo from the Tri City bout taken by my friend Bob.

photo courtesy of Pixel8