Today I hurt. It's a good hurt, mostly... a hurt that is the result of jogging and side-stepping and lunges and running around cones and stops and falls. It's a hurt that means I didn't spend my Tuesday evening in front of a computer screen playing Bejeweled or in front of a TV watching a movie I've already seen 30 times or at the dining room table reading while I mindlessly shovel food into my mouth. It's a hurt that means the muscles are being retrained, the reflexes are being reprogrammed, the mind is being refocused. It's a hurt that means I went to Derby Practice on Tuesday night, and I did work.
Last week was one of my occasional "I suck at everything/why am I bothering/just shoot me now put me out of my misery" days. I know I'm not the only one to have those days, and eventually I get over them... and myself. I have rehearsals like that, too... where I swear I'll never touch a piece of music or dare to utter a note ever again because I am so epically made of suck. I have fencing days like that, I have sewing days like that... it happens. You put a lot of effort and energy into something on a regular basis and on occasion, you have a bad day. Sometimes the thing that makes it so frustrating is the fact that my rational mind recognizes it for what it is, knows what's happening and why... but can only hold on for dear life as an uninvolved helpless passenger while the overly sensitive emotional side slaps hard on the reins and careens towards temporary meltdown. I just need to get used to the fact that now Roller Derby gets to be added to the basket of meltdown potential.
I did have a moment of personal accomplishment, tho. Nothing major, but at least proof that I am learning and that it is starting to sink in. We were looking at examples of skater positions on the track, determining Pack/No Pack, who's In Play, who's Out of Play, etc. This particular exercise was to have 2 "teams" skate around the track and we in the middle that were watching blow the whistle at "an interesting point" at which point everyone freezes, and then identify what's happening. 10 ft is not that much space between people. It's a hard thing to judge; to just see and recognize. I did ok, tho. That's all well and good for stopping the pack and taking the time to examine every person and their relative distance, etc... being able to judge it in motion while following a fast pack that's ever-changing? Hoo Boy!
Still mediocre with speed on the 25 in 5. This frustrates me. I know it shouldn't, I haven't really been doing exercises or skating in the last week to suddenly up my game or ability... but being lapped by other skaters really tweaks the hell out of my competitive side. It's nothing on them, just another "thing" I need to work out for myself. As my hand is poised over the keyboard I hear the litany of excuses beginning to form. Rather than give them "power" to govern my actions and thoughts, I'll just accept that they are challenges... obstacles on the track that I will need to go around, over, or if need be... through... but no more stopping. Now I must maintain momentum, continued forward progression. Excuses are a convenient way of masking "I can't." They are a way of foisting off the blame on someone or something else. Robbing those excuses of that power means taking personal responsibility, it means owning the situation for better or for worse. Another one of those "things" on my list (it's an ever-growing and ever-evolving list, but I'm keeping track... trust me).
I hurt, but I accept where the pain came from, and why... and I choose to work through the hurt to continue my work day, and prep for League Scrimmage tonight. In theory, at least according to the Head Ref, I'll have an opportunity to both work on my NSO duties for the upcoming bout and get in a little Ref skate time too. To be honest, I get the butterflies a-flutterin' when I think of skating in a League scrimmage... because here I am surrounded by all of these seasoned vets (both Refs and Skaters), and in my mind I'm absolutely convinced they're just watching and waiting for me to make a mistake so's they can point and laugh or yell and rage and I'll be standing their with FAIL on my face. Hey, I've got issues, remember? I've already mentioned this. I know I'm not the only one learning, or re-learning. I know I'm not the only one bound to mess up, I know shit happens. That Little Voice of Insecurity in the Back of My Head (whom I often refer to as LV) has a very penetrating and intense voice; and is very good at planting self-doubts and fears and blowing them out of proportion. It is a lot of work for me to tune out LV... all of those "things" on my ever-growing list in some way, shape, or form were created or nurtured by LV; so LV has quite the arsenal to use against me.
But you know what?
Roller Derby is an awfully noisy sport... especially when you're right in the thick of it.
When you reach a point where you're heavily involved in multiple activities, you inevitably have to play the "Juggle the Calendar" game. You will have conflicts, some things will be missed in favor of other things, and for activities that involve things like practice, study, and diligence... there will be a lessening of quality. It is unavoidable unless you are a lucky devil in possession of a Time-Turner or a TARDIS... or even a mad tricked-out DeLorean. Sadly, I am merely a poor muggle of slightly above-average intelligence, stuck in this singular time and place... and so I am fated to play around with creative and ever-evolving time management.
At the moment I am actively involved in 3 activities, and trying to work the 4th back into my life after a hiatus for much of 2010.
There is, of course, Roller Derby... which is the main focus of this blog. Derby involves attending League practices, Referee Practices, League scrimmages & meetings, and additional training opportunities that are offered like clinics and intensives, etc.
There are also social and community activities, opportunities for members of the league to get together on a casual basis for various things (for instance, a group of people went to learn how to do Olympic Curling today... last night I was part of a "Learn to Knit" extravaganza)
There are Roller Derby bouts, both home bouts and travel to skate against other Leagues. There is production leading up to a bout (my contribution since last year has been constructing seat covers for the Penalty Box to identify who from which team sits where). On Bout day people show up at 2pm or earlier to do things like set up the track, set up the Merch table, the lockers, the seating, hospitality (food), etc. We are grass roots to the core, we do it all ourselves, we all pitch in. Generally after the Bout there is an after party at a bar or club somewhere, so we show up to mingle, let off a little steam, rehash the day, and so on.
I am also in a Coven. No, we don't wear black robes and stand around a giant bubbling cauldron under the full moon sacrificing babies and chanting in tongues... that's only for Halloween ;) Seriously tho, the Coven has an interesting approach to how we practice... we come together at Full Moons (Esbats) and Sacred Points on the Wheel of the Year (Sabbats) and other moments special to Coven... and when we are apart we follow our own Path and honor Divine in our own way. Some members follow a Native American Path, some a Celtic Path, some a Buddhist Path, etc We embrace both our individuality and our unity.
Besides coming together for Esbats and Sabbats, we have business meetings once a month to go over things like the calendar of activities for the next few months, goings on in the Pagan community, planning and organization for activities we may be involved in (Coven has volunteered at Ronald McDonald House, Clean Sweep, Food and Clothing Drives, we've hosted a Health and Healing Fair, A Chocolate Festival, and have hosted Social Events like Craft Parties, Seed Planting Parties, and Camping Events). We are also expected to continue our Spiritual Growth through learning and study, so we will often present information to the assembled group, hold book discussions, and follow a basic "curriculum" of things relevant to a Pagan path.
I have been a member of RIT Singers since Spring Quarter of 1992. I had been encouraged to join since my freshman year, starting with my roommate AnnMarie, who was a member of the Chorus and would catch me singing in the dorm room. Problem is, I grew up with people telling me I couldn't sing. When multiple people tell you a thing over and over you can't help but accept that it could be true. It didn't stop me from singing, I just didn't sing in front of people if I could help it.
That changed when I was in Air Force ROTC, at Field Training at Lackland AFB, and a rather intimidating powerhouse Captain (in a petite black woman's body) overheard me singing in my room while I was cleaning up and made me go to the chorus room and sing with them. She would make me sing every time we crossed paths... that or do push ups. I hate push ups. So I sang. Even then, it took me 2 quarters back at RIT before I got the nerve to go to Singers. 18 years later (wow, 19 come Spring Quarter!), here I am.
Singing takes work. True singing takes work. It's proper breathing technique, it's counting rhythms and knowing intervals and knowing words and pronunciation of words and loudness or softness and how mouth shape changes the color and feel of a word. It's understanding how to phrase a line of music, and how one section flows into another. It's about listening to the other parts around you and matching their sound and becoming one voice... which is insanely difficult, trust me. I didn't have any kind of background in music growing up, everything I do know about singing and music is from Singers, plus 2 different opportunities to take voice lessons outside of Singers (giving credit where credit is due, when I first started with Singers Ed was generous enough to meet with me once a week and play through my parts on piano, I'd record them and sing along with them, and he helped me learn how to sing... so I did get voice lessons from him as well).
And then, finally, we have the SCA. This is a General Hobby with a number of secondary hobbies contained therein. I won't list them all, because there are a LOT of things to do in the SCA and I'm not involved in all of them... but things I do as a result of the SCA include: costuming, fencing, calligraphy and illumination, beading & jewelry crafting, embroidery, singing, middle eastern drumming (tho not so much these last few years), heraldry (in my case, yelling things really loud for people so they can hear it... think of the "town crier" or someone who calls someone forward to have audience with the royalty, etc) and I'm sure I'm missing stuff.
There are meetings and practices for a number of these activities, there are events just about every weekend in one area or another (the Rochester group will be holding an event on Feb 26, info on the Rochester group, the Barony of Thescorre, can be found here: http://thescorre.org/)
To attend an event one is encouraged to at least make an effort to wear garb, as the SCA isn't a spectator event like the Ren Faire, you show up... you participate. So, you have to have something to wear, something to eat on, things to do (are you a fencer? need to have your fencing gear, armor, authorization. are you a scribe? got your paints, brushes, pens, ink, etc? and so on).
So in my case, here are 4 time consuming activities that demand my time. I took a break from the SCA to spend more time doing Derby stuff... and preparing my move to a new residence last Spring. I would like to become involved again, because I miss people and sometimes events are the only way I get to see them.
To be eligible to skate in a bout (as a Ref) once I pass assessments, I have to have 50% attendance. I can make 2 out of the 3 weekly offerings... the Sunday AM conditioning, and the Tuesday Ref Practice. I can't attend the Thursday League Scrimmages (which I need to develop my Ref skills) because RIT Singers rehearsals are on Thursday nights.
Coven meets every 1st Sunday of the month in the morning, which means I'll miss at least one of those Leagues practices each month.
Somewhere in all of that, I have derby rules to study and absorb and understand how to translate those into Penalty calls...
Somewhere in all of that, I have music that I need to learn and internalize...
Somewhere in all of that, there's housework to be done, a cat to take care of, untouched yarn and fabric and beads and wire and books and a camera and all of those other neglected creative outlets...
And in the middle of all that is me balancing on a pair of quad skates and juggling my life as it dances about my head.
Right now I am having a personal debate about tomorrow morning's practice. the Conditioning practice is BRUTAL. Calisthenics, plyometrics, core and strength training, and skating drills. It's all to make for better, stronger, faster skaters. Even trying to do half of what everyone was doing, I was still in a lot of pain that following week, and really wasn't back to walking like a normal human being until Thurs night. I appreciate that other skaters and refs were telling me that that's normal, that's expected, that's going to happen... my problem is I can't afford for that to happen. It impacted my work that following Monday and Tuesday; my legs barely wanted to support my weight, let alone having to move a printer or computer tower or something.
So, I'm extremely daunted by the idea of doing this training... but I want to do the skating afterwards. I'm still stinging from my little "wake up" call on Tuesday and I want to get better. My issue now is, I also want to go to fencing practice on Monday night. There's an annual event coming up in 3 weeks that I'd really like to go to, and I'll be expected to fence. Yes, I would like to fence... but moreso I'll be expected to (sidenote: one thing I forgot to mention is that within the SCA I've received an award of High Merit for Fencing... as a bearer of that Award and Title certain things are expected of me, legitimate and perceived. I am now seen as An Authority, one whom others must learn from, etc... which is kind of a crock because I was no different the day before I got the Award but I now have different Status... so it's no longer just about me having fun ~pout~).
Anyway, if I go to Coach aTOMic's workout tomorrow, I more than likely won't be in any shape to fence on Monday night... and I don't have $$ or time to travel to Buffalo or Syracuse to attend one if their practices. It's bad enough I'm even thinking of fencing at an event with only 3 practices under my belt (the last time I touch my blades was probably September, maybe). However, I'm still very frustrated that I'm not skating as well as I want to... and I need this conditioning, I need this practice, I need this torture. I need more skate time.
So, here I am at the end of week 3 of my training as a Referee (Rules Training & Fresh Meat Skating notwithstanding).
Ok, here's the thing about me. In many areas, I take to things very quickly. I understand quickly, I get it quickly, I pick it up quickly. For example: during rehearsals for an RIT musical the choreographer told me to do some dance thing, and when I told her I didn't know what it was she gave me this bewildered look and said it was a basic move covered in dance classes. I shrugged and said I'd never taken dance. She was shocked, assumed I had because I was doing so well with the steps.
Another example: in the SCA a bunch of us were hanging out in a parking lot at an event and there was middle-eastern drumming and dancing going on... I don't think I had my drum with me, and on a whim I threw my arms up and started dancing. No, wouldn't win any authenticity awards, but a passing fair attempt.
I have an aptitude for movement, I have an aptitude for rhythm. I have an aptitude for a lot of things... so I personally wasn't that surprised that it didn't take me long to get comfortable on skates again. Tho admittedly, it was an extreme boost to my often fragile ego to hear the praises and surprise from the vet skaters. I couldn't help but smile and feel a little giddy hearing that the vets were talking about me and wanted to "steal" me from the Referees.
Aptitude got me on the track... but it's going take so much more to keep me there, and that's insanely frustrating.
I realize I've only been at it for 3 weeks. I realize that everyone else (save the newbies) have been at it for a year or more already so of course they're going to skate faster and longer and stop quicker and see more of what's happening on the track (and off) and be more able to make snap judgments and fast reactions. Logically I know and understand that. The problem is, I am Miss Instant Gratification Girl and I need to have/know/do/understand now. And if I can't immediately do a thing well I will either abandon it for the next new distraction (like tatting), or beat myself up in frustration until I get it right.
Don't get me wrong, I don't gloss over or refuse to acknowledge the learning curve and putting in the time to practice... for instance in the case of tatting I took a class on it a few summers ago, bought stuff, practiced, practiced more, practice even more... and couldn't get past a certain point in my ability. It began to get frustrating enough that other things caught my interest and satisfied my need.
Ah, another thing you should know about me: I'm addicted to the "a-ha!" moment. No, not that really high note in "Take On Me," that moment when it clicks, when you're doing something and it makes complete and perfect sense and it becomes real. Like when I was teaching myself to knit (via book and YouTube) and decided to tackle knit & purl and all of a sudden this square of yarn in my hand looked like something knitted, like what you'd see on a sweater or a scarf... and it clicked... and I was pleased.
So anyway... back to training... I'm still low on the learning curve, and it isn't a bad thing, it isn't an unexpected thing. I've been told that I'm doing well so far, but I just feel like I could and should be doing better already.
Practice was mildly frustrating this week because I'm still not skating fast enough to pass the 25 [laps] in 5 [minutes]... I did 22 laps. We worked on identifying when skaters were in play vs out of play, who was part of the pack and who wasn't... and then practiced calling it with skaters in motion. The skill here is learning to judge people 10 ft and 20 ft apart not just by markings on tape [which may or may not be there, depending on the venue] but also by actual body placement. We worked on whistling/skating/agility towards the end... dodging obstacles while skating at near-sprint and echoing whistle-blasts. I got lapped... a lot. My left knee got fatigued... was still fatigued from the 25 in 5 earlier in the night. It wasn't hurting, I don't know how else to describe it except fatigued... didn't want to support the weight of me leaning into my crossovers. The good thing... didn't have a problem with making sound from the whistle (tho I was dying for my Burt's Bees!!). I suppose that's something.
I hate making excuses, I don't want to be "that person." I could whine about my skates not being tied well (we were timed on "how fast can you gear up and get on the track), I could whine about the fact that it was day 2 of my period; which is the heaviest day and I am completely at the mercy of iron-deficiency... and a need to excuse myself randomly, I could whine about so many excuses... but the thing is excuses are worthless and make people give me "that look," and the reaction of needing to make excuses frustrates me. If I'm cycling during a bout, I have to cork it, suck it up and skate. If I'm called in last minute to skate as Ref, I gotta get my gear on and my ass on the track and adjust when I can.
I know it will take time. I'm not an athelete anymore, so I have an extra challenge of getting into better physical conditioning. You don't just jump up from the couch one day, go and run the Boston Marathon, or swim the English Channel... you have to build up to it. You have to train your body to be stronger, more flexible, more agile. I have to train my eyes to see, train my brain to translate what I see into applicable penalties and respond with the appropriate combination of actions. One doesn't just decide one day to strap on a pair of skates and a striped shirt and hop on the track and become Instant Referee. I know all of this.
...doesn't mean I won't still beat myself up over the fact that I can't. It's just who I am, it's how I deal. And yes, I know... I need a healthier way to deal.
Way back in what, September? October? I created this blog; mostly to follow a couple of Derby-specific Blogs, and I half-joked about using this to blog about my Derby life.
This morning I had a number of thoughts and realized I did have a place for it; even if no one is reading... and I'm cool with that. So, here we go.
Firstly, things you should know about me:
I am 39 years old, will be turning 40 in May
I am at the moment about 30 lbs heavier than I would like to be. The plus side (no pun intended) to that is that I have lost 35 lbs since 8/09 (I was right ashamed of my HS 20th Reunion pics)
I am not in the best physical shape, by any means. I was fairly athletic in college, being in Air Force ROTC and all, and did the musical theater thing @ RIT and in the Community for about 4 years, and for a good number of years was an active fencer in the Society for Creative Anachronism (historical re-creation). Between spending a lot of time with a more sedentary group of friends, having abdominal surgery that took the better part of 8 months to truly recover from (had a "fruitbasket" of fibroids removed), and dealing with emotional downswings... I've lost a great deal of physicality
I am all about instant gratification. If I don't immediately get something I either get extremely bored or extremely frustrated with it
I am really good at beating myself up and being hypercritical of myself
I have an intense need to feel like I "belong" that governs many of my actions and decisions
I have felt bored and stagnant and dissatisified with my life for a goodly number of years. I miss feeling impassioned and obsessed with and invigorated by something
I like attention, and am pouty and (quietly) tempermental at a lack thereof
I am Pagan. I don't follow a specific path or honor a particular Pantheon... because I'm still exploring
I am single, living by myself save an old but psychotic and loving cat
Why do you need to know all of this about me? Because these things have all contributed to (and continue to drive) my participation in Women's Flat Track Roller Derby.
I got into Roller Derby because of my former College Roommate, who goes by the Derby name of "Gravity Kills." Ironically enough, she was also the one who got me involved with the SCA 17 years ago. Gravity is a bad influence (said, of course, with love).
Well, since I was thinking about it... let's be specific. This has all become a blur, but I think it played out like this:
Gravity and I were trying to make plans to hang out; since life had us doing our own things and we were looking to reconnect... and she mentioned being involved in Roller Derby. Like just about anyone else born before 1980 I asked that question..."you mean like Roller Derby that used to be on TV on the weekends Roller Derby?? WWF on Wheels??" And I get the standard explanation of Banked vs Flat Track, Not staged, real hits but elbows, clotheslines, trips (and the occasional chair) were illegal, etc.
So, Fourth of July rolls around... and there's a bout that day. I post on Facebook asking about whether I should go to a Roller Derby bout or go chill in the park and wait for Fireworks and listen to the Radio's Musical Simulcast. One of my FB friends goes on this tired about how her ex-boyfriend is dating one of those trashy Derby Beast girls (honestly, i can't recall what words she actually used, just the general sentiment) and that I shouldn't waste my time; do something cultural, etc. Yeah, guess what I ended up doing? Yep, attended my first ever Roc City Roller Derby bout.
I then went to the after-party that was also an annual party at one of the Derby Girls' houses in the South Wedge... and was both enthralled and overwhelmed. These were a close-knit bunch of wickedly awesome and fearless women, brash and bold and reflections of the Goddess in their own right. I found myself wanting to be like them, with them, one of them... and I truly saw the weak, shy, timid, self-doubting mouse I had become over the last several years... and it disgusted me. I didn't stay very long because I felt very out of place, but somewhere inside I decided I needed to find, dust off, and embrace that bad-ass I used to be in College.
Gravity invited me out to an Adult Skate night one night in November (I believe). This would be the first time for me on roller skates in over 20 years. I didn't do too badly once I got used to the ever-shifting balance points... and I didn't fall at all that night. I even tried turning around to skate backwards the way I remembered doing back in Jr High... after the 3rd time my knee informed me that I wasn't quite ready for that so I stopped. Still, I had fun... and realized how much I missed skating.
I used to live on my roller skates. When my dad and I lived in San Diego and El Centro all we did was skate (erm, and play soccer, and swim @ the beach and fish and drive down to Tijuana to buy illegal fireworks and... ), I will admit we were totally into the Roller Disco scene. When we moved to Buffalo, almost every weekend I was at Arena Roller Rink from when the doors opened until they kicked us out... So, after 20+ years what a thrill to be back on skates!!
So after some conversation and berating and drinking etc, Gravity and I got to talking about Derby and I decided I wasn't brave enough (nor could I afford the injury) to skate in Roller Derby, so I spent a year volunteering as a Non-Skating Official. I loved spending the year mostly working the Penalty Box, playing up the Prison Guard Uniform Shirt (the Skating + Non-Skating Officials are collectively known as the 19th Wardens), getting to know and be friends with the Derby crew, and feeling a sense of belonging.
But, truth be known... I would watch the skaters and the Referees with a pang of longing... I'd find myself watching footwork and technique, watching and learning and understanding the game play not as a spectator; but as something "more."
This past fall I gave in and bought a pair of skates, an helmet and some pads (yay Healthy Rewards dividends!), and I went through Fresh Meat Boot Camp. My decision was to become a Referee... I'm not aggressive enough (or resilient enough) to play Derby... and there's just me in the house and getting a serious injury that keeps me out of work and laid up for weeks will destroy me and my meager life... I still get my skate on, I'd still be a part of the Wardens and a part of the Derby family... and I get to feel alive again. I see WIN across the board.
Apparently I did ok at Boot Camp because the vets who were helping out were in turns surprised that I could skate, eager to get me skating on a team, and plotting to steal me away from the Wardens when I declared I was going for Referee ;)
So here I am. A Referee in Training for Women's Flat Track Derby. We spent some off-season time (while I was skating in Boot Camp and in Fresh Meat (Roc Quarry) practices) doing rules training, and now I'm officially attending Ref Practices and League practices on skates.
There is a great deal I want to talk about; but I decided starting with a bit of background would be useful... so the story continues in other postings.
