8 on the Floor and Ready for More

Today I hurt. It's a good hurt, mostly... a hurt that is the result of jogging and side-stepping and lunges and running around cones and stops and falls. It's a hurt that means I didn't spend my Tuesday evening in front of a computer screen playing Bejeweled or in front of a TV watching a movie I've already seen 30 times or at the dining room table reading while I mindlessly shovel food into my mouth.  It's a hurt that means the muscles are being retrained, the reflexes are being reprogrammed, the mind is being refocused.  It's a hurt that means I went to Derby Practice on Tuesday night, and I did work.

Last week was one of my occasional "I suck at everything/why am I bothering/just shoot me now put me out of my misery" days. I know I'm not the only one to have those days, and eventually I get over them... and myself. I have rehearsals like that, too... where I swear I'll never touch a piece of music or dare to utter a note ever again because I am so epically made of suck. I have fencing days like that, I have sewing days like that... it happens. You put a lot of effort and energy into something on a regular basis and on occasion, you have a bad day.   Sometimes the thing that makes it so frustrating is the fact that my rational mind recognizes it for what it is, knows what's happening and why... but can only hold on for dear life as an uninvolved helpless passenger while the overly sensitive emotional side slaps hard on the reins and careens towards temporary meltdown.  I just need to get used to the fact that now Roller Derby gets to be added to the basket of meltdown potential.

I did have a moment of personal accomplishment, tho. Nothing major, but at least proof that I am learning and that it is starting to sink in. We were looking at examples of skater positions on the track, determining Pack/No Pack, who's In Play, who's Out of Play, etc. This particular exercise was to have 2 "teams" skate around the track and we in the middle that were watching blow the whistle at "an interesting point" at which point everyone freezes, and then identify what's happening. 10 ft is not that much space between people. It's a hard thing to judge; to just see and recognize. I did ok, tho. That's all well and good for stopping the pack and taking the time to examine every person and their relative distance, etc... being able to judge it in motion while following a fast pack that's ever-changing? Hoo Boy!

Still mediocre with speed on the 25 in 5. This frustrates me. I know it shouldn't, I haven't really been doing exercises or skating in the last week to suddenly up my game or ability... but being lapped by other skaters really tweaks the hell out of my competitive side. It's nothing on them, just another "thing" I need to work out for myself. As my hand is poised over the keyboard I hear the litany of excuses beginning to form. Rather than give them "power" to govern my actions and thoughts, I'll just accept that they are challenges... obstacles on the track that I will need to go around, over, or if need be... through... but no more stopping. Now I must maintain momentum, continued forward progression.  Excuses are a convenient way of masking "I can't." They are a way of foisting off the blame on someone or something else. Robbing those excuses of that power means taking personal responsibility, it means owning the situation for better or for worse. Another one of those "things" on my list (it's an ever-growing and ever-evolving list, but I'm keeping track... trust me).

I hurt, but I accept where the pain came from, and why... and I choose to work through the hurt to continue my work day, and prep for League Scrimmage tonight. In theory, at least according to the Head Ref, I'll have an opportunity to both work on my NSO duties for the upcoming bout and get in a little Ref skate time too. To be honest, I get the butterflies a-flutterin' when I think of skating in a League scrimmage... because here I am surrounded by all of these seasoned vets (both Refs and Skaters), and in my mind I'm absolutely convinced they're just watching and waiting for me to make a mistake so's they can point and laugh or yell and rage and I'll be standing their with FAIL on my face. Hey, I've got issues, remember? I've already mentioned this. I know I'm not the only one learning, or re-learning. I know I'm not the only one bound to mess up, I know shit happens. That Little Voice of Insecurity in the Back of My Head (whom I often refer to as LV) has a very penetrating and intense voice; and is very good at planting self-doubts and fears and blowing them out of proportion. It is a lot of work for me to tune out LV... all of those "things" on my ever-growing list in some way, shape, or form were created or nurtured by LV; so LV has quite the arsenal to use against me.

But you know what?

Roller Derby is an awfully noisy sport... especially when you're right in the thick of it.

Pack your bags, LV...

**The first artist I heard perform this song was Susan Werner**